Because I want to

Because I want to remember;
All the times we went to see a movie together. All the times you brought candy in your purse and offered me some of your maple nut goodies. All the times you picked me up from school. All the times you were at my chorus performances. All the times you were proudly at my art gallery showings, award ceremonies, and graduations. All the times we drove in your white Camaro to the mall. All the times we went to KFC to get my favorite popcorn chicken. All of the times I went to Golden Corral with you and Henry and ate only fried chicken and rolls. All of the times we went to flea markets, garage sales, and yard sales and found exciting finds. All of those times you sang to me on the phone. All the times you called to check on us when tornado’s and storms were coming through our city. All of those times you hugged me and told me you loved me.
All of those times with you that I will forever hold close to my heart now that you have passed into Glory…
 
Time marches on.

 

It stampedes its way through our celebrations, our joy’s, our gloomy days, our OK days, and all that’s in between. Time is no respecter of person’s and its unrelenting momentum to continually move forward can be endearing. But after losing a loved one, time seems to go by at a marathoner’s pace, you want to hit the brakes and put time in reverse to just go back to the last time you saw them, the last time you talked to them, the last time you were just in their presence. And it hurts that time continues for you, when time has stopped for them… and that hole in your heart that’s in the shape of them aches a bit each day. Today would’ve been my Grandma’s 82nd birthday. It’s still so hard to believe she is gone, even after holding her small cold hand one last time.

I miss her.

I miss the way she laughed and the stories she would tell me when I visited, on the phone, or growing up. I miss the cards she sent and her love that was felt thousands of miles away. I miss posing for pictures. I miss her offering me food to eat or something to drink. I miss telling her how much I love her.

In death sometimes we find out just how much someone cares for us and that is true of my Grandma. She kept every card we ever sent her. She saved things from my kindergarten graduation and drawings from when I was young. She framed our pictures and hung them all throughout her house because her family was the most important thing to her. She has a wooden plaque on her living room wall that is surrounded by our smiling faces that reads: family is forever. Family, was her greatest accomplishment. Family is not always colored within the lines and picture perfect. But with mistakes, disagreements, sadness, laughter, birth, and joy family is the backbone that makes one stronger. Family is what binds the loose ends together and fills the empty holes of our hearts.

I love what a precious mentor and childhood role model from my home wrote on her blog today; Citrus Proper by: Stephanie Madden:

“It is so crazy, how life goes.

Seasons of loss and grief, followed by seasons of new life and joy. 

I like the reminder in Romans 12:15, to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.”  

Today I will mourn, but I will also rejoice knowing this is not the end and death did not win. My Grandma will forever have a beautiful legacy that one day I will tell my children about. I will live like her as a giver and as a woman who loves her family with her whole heart. I will live with grace and fight through anything life tries to throw my way. And I will always stand strong and persevere…where there is a will there is a way.

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